Working Through a Miscarriage

This is a blog I have struggled so much to write. I honestly feel as if there is SO much I could say about it and I could ramble on and on but I should try and keep this to the point. 

Finding out I Miscarried

My story is similar to some.

I went to the doctor for a routine checkup and when they did the ultrasound they told us our little one didn't have a heart beat and probably stopped developing a few weeks ago.

I honestly thought the Doctor was wrong. I wanted them to check again.

"My stomach still aches as I write this and remember the emotions of despair. "

I built it up in my mind for 10 weeks that I was going to have another baby and that my daughter was going to be a big sister.

Our family wrapped around us and took our daughter so Jon and I could process everything.

I wanted to rip the pain away so fast so we told everyone who knew I was pregnant that we lost the baby.

It was too heavy of a burden to carry on our own.

Procedure of the Miscarriage

 semi-graphic content: discretion advised

My body was clinging on to the baby and wouldn't naturally pass it.

My doctor recommended the procedure D&C and I really struggled with it. 

Something in me felt like I was giving up on the baby. 

Even though they said the baby had no heartbeat - I felt as if it was still alive. 

"It was still my child even though I had never met him or her." 

After the procedure I felt nauseas and cravings and mentally had the hardest time dealing with the pregnancy loss because I still felt pregnant. 

I even felt phantom kicks -  like my body was playing tricks on me. 

It took me weeks to come to the realization that I wasn't pregnant anymore.

Mourning the Miscarriage

You don't know how it feels unless you've been through it yourself. 

I have had friends and family miscarry and very ignorantly assume because I've lost someone or because I am a mother I can empathize. 

Honestly, I don't think I can truly understand someone else's hurt. 

"Pain of loss is such a personal thing and everyone deals with it differently. "

My daughter slept with us that night. 

I was so thankful I had her.  

Jon and I took a couple days to ourselves. 

I shut my phone off and didn't talk to many people. 

I had two to three people I really confided in emotionally.

 I tried to escape the massive wave of condolences.

I felt feelings of despair I had never felt before.  

Some people swept my pain under the rug because the baby wasn't "here" yet. 

I was mourning a child... my child.

"It almost felt as if I had to secretly mourn." 

Posting the Miscarriage on Social Media 

A week or two after the procedure. 

I decided to tell the social media world of our loss. 

I was shocked to find out how many people had miscarried and lost their little ones. 

"But it reopened my wound - gapping, stinging and I could hardly handle that kind of attention." 

People I barely knew or hardly talked to were reaching out and asking very personal questions. 

That was a rush of emotions I didn't anticipate. 

Looking back - I think I overwhelmed myself a little bit with posting it on social media - but I had a handful of people that miscarried and appreciated my post. 

"I don't think miscarriage is talked about enough. "

But in the end - I am glad I posted about it because I feel like there is a taboo on talking about miscarriages. 

I'd like to break that stigma so if people are hurting they feel like they can talk about it - you don't have to mourn in silence.

Being a Mom after a Miscarriage

Everyone deals with miscarriage differently and mourns differently. Personally going through this sorrow woke me up. I had been in a very depressive, selfish cycle ever since I had my daughter. 

I have dealt with postpartum depression in the last couple years.  

"It made me realize what I love could be lost so what I have today needs to be cherished." 

It made me a better mom and a better wife. 

I feel guilty writing that but through this tragedy it helped me see what is important. 

It took me outside of myself and made me see in a way I don't think I ever have. 

This Baby I lost made me a better mom to my daughter.  

"This Baby had such a huge impact on my life."

The heart will heal but there will always be an ache for the life that wasn't lived. 

and that's okay. 

It's okay to have that ache and hurt. 

after all, 

that was my Baby I lost.

Talking about Miscarriage.

DO NOT:

1. Tell us the stats. We know it happens often but it doesn't help us with the healing process or help us find a sense of comfort.

2. Relate stories. There's a way to say "I've been there" without throwing your emotions at us. Our pain will all be different (Just listen).

3. Tell us how to mourn. Mourning is such a personal process and the way I deal with pain will probably be so different than yours. (Again just listen)

BE CAUTIOUS: 

1. When bringing up kids. 

2. Don't assume because we were trying means we'll try again - there could be a medical reason why it's not working out. 

3. Bringing babies around us (I cried after I held a baby for the first time since the miscarriage). 

DO:

1. Ask about it (To be honest, I am surprised how little people asked me about it and how much I wanted to talk about it.) 

2. Send sympathy cards and presents - I got the sweetest gifts from close friends and it really helped me heal. 

3. Realize it's a scar we will carry the rest of our lives.